if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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