I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
