my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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