I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
