Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
