I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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