This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
