The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
