Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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