Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
