you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
