Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
