I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
