he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
