Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
