i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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