I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
ttyl tear gas
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
