The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
