i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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