Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
