Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
