Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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