Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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