when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
