# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
