Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
