You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
