im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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