If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
