I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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