my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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