your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
