the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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