We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
