If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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