What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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