How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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