saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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