he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
