I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
