We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
