I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
