Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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