thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
