i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
even my farts smell like vagina
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
