I want to stick my p in your. b.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
