community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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I supernannyed him into submission
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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