You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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