i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
