Im at strip club and am horny
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
