kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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