I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
