He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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