she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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