i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
