i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
