Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
