I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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