Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
