I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
